This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
