I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
