dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
