There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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