Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
