Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
