It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
