The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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