Can i not drive my cunt home
just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
jump out the window naked night went bad
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
