I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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