Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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