I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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