At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
