i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
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