Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
