I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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