please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
