I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
