In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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