So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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