i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
