On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
