Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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