So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
