I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
