After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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