It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
