woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
