where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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