if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
When did angry sex become our thing?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
