So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
