How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
As shirtless as possible
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize