I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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