Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
