You made me cry and you don't even care
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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