fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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