TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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