we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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