went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
