I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
