my mouth tastes like poor choices
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
