So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
