I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
