So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
