Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Drake has all the answers
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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