my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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