Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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