i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
please come you make the beer taste better
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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