so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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