so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
