I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
