she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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