you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
